Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sappy Days are Here Again

It’s that time of the year again. A few hours from now, I will once again be celebrating yet another year of dear old life. I stopped counting and somehow the feeling of excitement about birthdays has died from me, years ago. At this very point in my life, birthdays simply make me sappy.

I remember when I was a kid, this is the time of the year that I sooo look forward to. That one particular day of the year where you can practically get away with anything and everything you want. New clothes, new shoes, parties, surprises and of course gifts!! Yes, I am not going to lie, I was one of those kids who loved presents – big or small. But as I grew older, things became quite different. A new ensemble doesn’t necessarily make you perky. Parties seem to be pretty redundant, boring and obligatory. Nobody dares to surprise you because they don’t have the luxury time or you get to find about it often. Gifts are not that exciting anymore because for the most part, none of the givers actually gave a good thought about it. Common, admit it, with all the specialty shops around, we often go for convenience without really giving it a much needed thought. Like how many body washes/lip gloss/lotions have you had as bday presents in the past? Or how many have you actually given to friends? Think about it. Guilty ako, I admit!!! Crucify me!!!

But then, I am not going to rant about our tendency to give impersonal gifts. Because nowadays it is pretty much acceptable. Hahaha. I am trying to remember the day I started to hate birthdays, uhm, well just my birthday. I still remember being 12 wanting to be 13 para then, I’ll be a “teenager” and do all those tenny bopper stuff. I remember being 18 wanting to be 20. Thinking that without the word “teen”, I can actually be considered an adult. I remember being 20 wanting to be 23. So that I can practice full independence and live my life by my standards and by my own crazy rules. But then, I realized that at 13, those teeny bopper things are not really so much fun, in fact they’re quite annoying. I realized that arriving at an age without the word “teen” doesn’t necessarily make you an adult. I realized that graduating school and getting a job doesn’t make you independent. And somewhere along the way, things changed, life happened and I was never the same person I was before. Yes at 23, my life made a full U-turn without knowing which exact direction to go. Since then, I never did celebrate my birthday the way I used to do – in fact, I started hating it.

What’s wrong with birthdays? I guess it’s just that I get so emotional. You see, growing up, I have pictured my life from the moment I finished school. I carefully planned mi vida from that moment I get to step out into the real world to the time when I get to retire sipping cocktail on a yacht. Seeing that almost none of them did actually come true, it frustrates me a bit. And that frustration is being magnified with these so-called birthdays hence, I hate it. For the past years, I treated it as just another day of the year. I never once threw a party to celebrate my birthday. Well, whenever people would ask me for a treat, I willingly obliged naman – hindi nman ako madamot. But it’s not because I wanted to celebrate it, somehow it has become customary. I just wanted to share the little blessings I’ve had. You see, that’s one of the things my folks taught me, kahit ano pang adversities meron ka, which is somehow what I did.

At 25, I stopped planning and started living my life. I realized that there are just things that simply happen, way beyond our control. And there’s nothing we can do about it. I guess, that’s the best realization I’ve ever had in this lifetime. At this point, I stopped hating birthdays. Instead, I use this time of the year to reflect about the things I’ve done. I love to look back at the year that just passed. All the lessons, the pains, the trials, the hopes, the fun, the laughter, the dreams that has led me to be where I am now. And that makes me sappy. Especially this particular year. *sobs*

When you look back at the year that just passed and it doesn’t make you cry, consider it wasted. That was a quote from one of my favorite TV show Ally Mcbeal. And I soooooo believe her. Looking back at what I’ve been through this year, I can’t help but cry. Uhm, errr a lot. But then, I was also amazed at how I handled things. I guess the universe somehow did conspire to help me make it through the rain. Just like Mariah. Haha. It was tears of both joy and sadness, of gain and loss. Looking back, this particular year has been the most special for me. I have experienced an immense growth and went through tremendous changes. Some good others uhm better. It was this year when I finally found myself and started living it the way I am supposed to. It was this year that I’ve finally accepted my fate, live through it and making it work!!!

A few hours from now, another year will start to unfold in my life; I don’t know what’s in it for me now. I can only hope that sana, things will be better in sooooooo many ways. That’s what we all hope for, something better. But then again, if things turn out otherwise, I guess I’ll just have to take what is given and uhm well accessorize it and make it more fabulous!

*** p.s.
This got me thinking, I kinda miss those cheesy hallmark cards. Uso pa ba yon? Looking back, it was kinda nice to get one of those noh? With all the cheesy message that goes with it. Hahaha. Pero hindi ako plastic, kung sasamahan niyo ng lotion/body wash ok lang din!!! Hahahaha..

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Toastmaster Experience

I was one of those employees who were coerced to join this one and only club in our company, Toastmasters – Blue Swoosh Club. Apparently, this is a global thing and aims to develop one’s public speaking skills using a number of modules. Ok, I am not really an active member of this club, so I was actually surprised when just 2 days ago, they ask me to finally deliver my very first speech. And then surprised became panic when an hour before I was about to deliver that speech, I still haven’t organized my thoughts on what I am supposed to talk about. I was to do an “Ice Breaker” speech. I should talk about myself as if I’m introducing myself to the group. Ok, I’m obviously not the queen of talk so to stand in front and talk about me is pretty much terrifying. But then, there’s no way out. I have to do this.

Armed with my unfinished speech (in bullet points), I brought my fat ass to the venue trying to tell myself to just relax. After all, it will just be a couple of people and the speech will just be about 4 to 6 minutes max. And then, by some stroke of luck, I entered a room full of eager and expecting members, saw 2 new faces who turned out to be the “distinguished guests” for the day who will do the evaluation and to top it all, reading through the programme, I was the only one who is going to deliver a prepared speech because everyone else backed out. FYI, I did try to do that too, but then I was pushed to just go for it. Life can be so unfair at times huh. When I heard these things, at first I thought it was a joke, but then, as the program started I realized that nobody was kidding about that.

And then the moment of truth came. I stood there, all shaky 5 feet 8 of me trying to keep it together to deliver my speech. Words of encouragement from my fellas helped me have that extra courage to face the odds and just get it done and over with. Luckily, I got over it. I was able to organize my thoughts and deliver quite a speech. Although I must say, I missed out on a lot of bullet points because I was sooooo nervous to even care. But then, I did it!!!! What a relief it is! And at the risk of being mayabang, I got quite good reviews about the speech. I was even given a standing ovation – super saglit lang though. Hahaha.

And for those who are wondering about the content of the speech (and per request of some friends), I am trying to remember every word I said and tried to put it in this entry. This is far more organized than the actual speech. Hahaha.

Speech title: First

I’ve been in the company for 4 years now. You may or may not know me personally. You’ve probably seen me host a number of events both for BPO and company wide. You’ve probably seen me walking around the four well ventilated corridors of the company and wondered, who the hell am I. Well, today’s your lucky day. Yes, I am the guy with two first names Vinson and Romeo, and this is my very first speech.

I am not really new to this public speaking thing. I remember delivering my very first speech at the young age of 7, and the speech was in Chinese. I can’t remember what it was about actually. I just tried to memorize four glorious pages of Chinese characters. Surprisingly, I did win that contest – for some reason.

As a kid, I’ve lived a very active lifestyle. Way before the word “metrosexual” was coined, I was already one of those people you can call a TRYsexual, because I like to try different things. Anything I could possibly get my hands on. I was a member of the track team, a volleyball player, a boy scout, a dance troop member, quiz bee contestant, choir, an altar boy and I even went Drag… racing. Although at some point, I had to stop because that hobby was way too expensive for me.

I was schooled at a Chinese institution and was a Chinese in denial for quite sometime. I never wanted to learn Chinese, for one, nobody in the family speaks the language so I honestly don’t get the point. I remember telling my dad how I wanted to be transferred to an English only school, this got me into our very first argument. I never did get my way and was pushed to actually finish it until high school. He said, someday you will realize that this is good for you, and it will all be worth it. Yeah right, I was skeptical then.

My first job was at the airport. I was a ground Steward for an international airline. The job was really not that difficult and I get to have plenty of time to visit duty free shop. One time, as I pass by the immigration area, one guy called me saying “hey, you Chinese? Come here”. Ok like how did they know I am Chinese? – perhaps it’s pretty obvious, I have really chinito eyes. I went to a room where a Chinese guy was held, uhm detained. I was to act as the translator and tell him he cannot go out of the country because he did not have a visa or a return ticket. (Me saying those in Chinese). And then, the unimaginable happened, the man knelt in front of me crying. He was telling me that he was here to visit his wife who’s just giving birth at that moment. He doesn’t have any money to get a return ticket, he just wants to be there for his wife. He gambled. Took the risk in the hopes that it was ok. Well, it was not. I felt for him then. I almost bought him his return ticket. But then, there are times when it doesn’t really matter what you have, what matters is who you know. I called my bosses for aid. And to make the long story short, I got him out. And that was the very first time I did like the fact that I know how to speak Chinese.

Now let me talk about my first love. People say that I have a thing for the finer things in life. And by fine, I don’t really mean expensive. I have an eye for beauty and am always on the lookout for one. Beautiful bags, shoes, outfit whatever. My passion for fashion has led me to become BUYcurious. Whenever I see something nice, be it a purse or a shirt, it triggers my curiosity as to where he/she got that damn piece.

Those were just some of the things about me. Some of the “firsts” I’ve experienced in my 20 something life, and there’s a lot more to come. I plan to travel the world, save the whales, whatever. I plan to put up my own clothing line and call it House of Vince. I want to be the next media mogul and replace Oprah Winfrey. I want to publish a book, containing all my blog entries for the past 3 years. When these dreams will all be realized, you will then remember that you were the first people to know of these dreams.
Between Friends…

Last Saturday, I met up with two of my really good gal pals. We’ve been trying to hook up for more than a week now and somehow our freakin' schedules just don’t meet. So I was really glad to hear that we can and will actually get to meet this time.

We’ve been friends for quite sometime now. We were classmates way back in college and somehow, by some stroke of luck, fate brought us all closer. We’ve shared so many nice things in the past and have grown up to share so many more in the years that passed. In other words, “nag-move on tayo!” hahaha. We don’t only share the good side of our lives, but what makes our friendship deeper is the fact that we’ve shared some of our trying moments with each other.

Seeing you again made me really ponder on the thought that time flies so fast. It changes not only our physical appearance but the way we lead our lives as well. And in the midst of all those changes, eto pa rin tayo. Tawa ng tawa. We went from our late night gigs to friends who lunch. Ganun na ba tlga pag nagiging adults? Hehe.

It was probably the most intimate lunch we’ve ever had. And I was so glad that we get to finally do it. We’ve shared stories and our deepest thoughts on the things that matter to us. This was probably one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life. We were comfortable and honest in telling our innermost take on things. How I wished that it would never end, but then, we had to go home.

That night, as I tuck myself to bed, I can’t help but think of that lunch and all of my friends. Mula kinder hanggang college, from the office, chance encounters sa bars, sa friendster or wherever we met. Just how wonderful they are and how lucky am I to actually have them. How they made a big difference in my life by simply being a friend. And now, let me take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you. Don’t freak out, I’m not dying or anything. I am just feeling sentimental. You may find it too cheesy, but hey, I’m just being honest.

*********** I want to thank you all for always being there. For saying it and actually meaning it. I want to thank you for listening with prejudice. For painstakingly trying to keep up with my woes, for taking me dinner, lunch, or coffee, for sharing your stories, for your funny and sometimes corny jokes, for you undying love and support. For your time – your very precious time. For showing me that the best kind of friends are not really the ones with an ever ready answer to every possible troubles we have. For understanding that sometimes, I only mean to tell what bothers me and you do not need to solve it right then and there. At times when I am not ready to talk, I want to thank you for giving me the time and space and wait for me to be ready. I want to thank you for understanding my silence, at times when I want to keep things private. Thank you very much. I appreaciate everything. And I do mean it. ************

I’ve read somewhere some touching thoughts about friends and friendship. According to that article, Friendship, like love, is no respecter of persons. It does not consider race, religion or sex. It only needs individuals, who are not afraid to share their differences and make a friendship work. In a lifetime, one is considered lucky to have found a handful of friends. Well, I guess I am more than just lucky, because I have a number of them with me now and for all the days of my life.

Thanks guys!!!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

My 10-minute Affair

Opportunity knocks only but once, but temptation kicks the door open!!!!

Friday. The sun was up and everyone was gearing up for yet another weekend. But for me, it was something. I wouldn’t say it was really special, but then like I said it was something. The thing is, I have this crush – a long time crush. He’s someone I met at the gym where I work out. He’s cute, has his own pad, drives his own car, has a fab dog and a doctor. In other words, he’s perfect. What more could you possibly ask for? And on this day, marks another year in his “vida”. Officially, he’s 30 something na!

I prepped myself for this very day. Armed with my ever handy kikay kit, I went to the gym, did some crunches to tame those unwanted body fats in the tummy area, took a shower, washed my face, brushed my teeth and all that jazz. I was just as excited as a stalker should be. No, we’re not going out. I was just about to send him a greeting through text (Does that make me a psycho?! A fab psycho nman!!). I gathered my thoughts and sent him a greeting. I was not surprised when I get a reply back, after all, it was the polite thing to do when someone greeted and wished you a happy birthday. He’s well mannered after all. After that, I went through my normal day/night. It was then, later that evening, when I realized something’s just about to happen.

Chronicle of events:

Location: Starbucks 6750
Time : 11 pm something

Him: u goin out? (from an anonymous number)
Me: who’s this?
Him: *name*, Sun cell ko to.
(I was having doubts still, someone might just be making a fool out of me)
Me: Yup, dito lang sa Makati. kaw?
Him: Wala nman dito lang sa haus? Sino kasama mo?
Me: taga saan ka ba?
(This is my way to verify if he really is who he claims to be)
Him: Mandaluyong. Kaw?
(At this point, he was already using his Globe number – the one I have saved on my phone. This is it! The kilig level is shooting way up to the peak of Mt. Everest!!)
Me: Ah ok. Malapit ka lang pala eh. U wanna go out and celebrate?
Him: Hmm.. Pwede naman. Teka lang, si RAM ba ito?
Me: (bwisit!)Este, Ay hindi, mali ata.
Him: Sorry ha, sino to? You greeted me earlier, RAM kasi nakalagay sa phone ko.
Me: C vince to

And then he called. Apologized and we both laughed about it.

Fact is, the kilig factor was there – until he blew it. Hahaha. He’s really someone that I do admire, given the situation and circumstances. But as I’ve always pointed out in many conversations with my friends, I don’t see us together. We are way too different and being with him is just a bit wishful thinking. I know and I’ve heard all those supportive thoughts and words of encouragements from my ever supportive and loving friends. Go for it! Go for the Gold right? But then, I know where I stand. And I know my limits. Showbiz siya, non-showbiz ako! It’s just not gonna work. Haha. At this point, I am happy with this set up. Hanggang pinapa-kilig niya pa rin ako with his smile and his smooth ways, I will continue to stalk him. Haha.



Friday, November 03, 2006

Single in the City

For the past couple of months, I have come to love the lifestyle of being single. The feeling of total freedom from doing whatever and whenever I want is what I find most appealing. What’s more exciting is that I get to hang out and meet a lot of seemingly interesting people who eventually became my friends.

A couple of days ago one of those seemingly interesting people, but somehow yet to become a friend, called up. He said he was actually in the area and thought of me. In the area daw, palusot pa, I’m sure intentional tlga to! How sweet it is! So vanity strikes, I ransacked my closet to find a decent outfit other than the one I’m wearing! A number of directions and a few wrong turns later, he was right at my doorstep in all his cuteness. Yes, he is cute by default. Well I don’t normally invite people to come to my place but this uninvited guest is so welcome, he is nice anyway. We talked for what seemed like forever until we ran out of topics to discuss (How I wish I own one of those lil cards where there are endless questions to be answered). We experienced a few moments of silence until he said “so what’s around your neighborhood? Tara labas tayo, i-tour mo nman ako” – Patay!

You see, when you meet someone that you think you may possibly like and who possibly likes you back, you want to always bring your best foot forward – ok, better foot, kasi 2 lang nga naman ang paa. And to be honest, I don’t exactly live in an exclusive village where we can go to the exclusive park and mingle with the brats with their exclusive yayas – in uniform. So the tour part did freak me out. I live in a place where tricycles practically rule the streets and videoke is everybody’s past time. Not that I hate it the place where I grew up, but touring is not exactly the best idea. Besides, I don’t really go out in the neighborhood. Whenever one of our neighbors would swing by our place and I would get to answer the door, they will almost always be surprised to find out that my folks actually have 3 kids – me being the anonymous third. I practically don’t go out, so as far as familiarity with the place is concerned, we are pretty much even. But then I made it through the rain, so to speak, I was able to get away with it!! Success! Sigh!

After walking a few blocks with a pack of greasy peanuts on hand, he then surprised me again by saying he wants me to meet his mom! Ok I know, tradition said that when someone introduces you to his/her folks, the relationship is getting serious. Wow – konting papilit muna! “I met you mom, why not meet mine tutal nandito lang sila sa malapit din, common it’ll be fine”, so there I was, in my pa-cool antics saying, “sige, sure!”. A thousand steps later, I find us walking through the gates of Chinese cemetery. In my mind, I was wondering, what was he thinking, is this a joke or something? Occasionally I would look at him with a face of curiosity and he would just answer me with a smile saying “don’t worry, malapit lang siya”. And malapit it is, soon I was hanging out in a foggy mausoleum full of fruits. Incense fills the air, not love. I met his tita and some of his cousins. As for the mom, she was there. She’s the one lying there! Ok – now you should really think twice before giving out a mean laugh!

Back then, I feel neither embarassed nor flattered. Embarassed for thinking that we are actually on a date, that he actually dropped by on purpose. Flattered, because I met some of his family – by chance. Looking back, I can’t help but laugh at how I acted and how I made myself believe that it was something. Oo, ambisyosa ako, crucify me! Now na! So what’s my take away for this experience? Before you conclude on whether someone is visiting you intentionally, before you even bother to bring you fabulous self altogether thinking that it was indeed a date, please, and this I say with all conviction, PLEASE, make sure that you don’t live near the cemetery and make sure as well that it is not November 1. Because then you will realize that perhaps he was really just in the area, bored sitting and waiting all day in a foggy mausoleum of a dead love one, who happens to have a friend who’s house is near. Nothing more, nothing less.

Friends in LOVE

“Ayoko na Vince, napapagod na ako”

Those were the exact words that came out of a good friend’s pouting lips one really early morning. No we are not together, and this statement does not in any way involve me. This is one of those moments when you have to attend to someone who’s a little bit troubled by his own pre-occupation, which I willingly obliged.

I never knew this was coming. I mean, I sometimes come to work at 6 am and to be honest, one should not expect me to be all perky and sane. To be hearing things like this, at a rather early time slot, from an equally perky friend who seemed to have lost his sense of humor at that moment, is really something. My mind was still half asleep when I heard these words. But then, knowing how this friend behaves, I can really sense that this is one of those rare moments where he is really serious. Dead serious.

So what prompted these thoughts? Too much boys! Hahaha. See, this good friend of mine has an eye for beauty - literally. He sees the goodness in each and every species on this planet hence; he has come to develop a sense of strong likeness to some very privileged few. In other words, madami siyang “crush”. And all of them are well coded – there’s the ever awake Barney, the eccentric Bunot, the tech-kiss-and-tell-yosi-mate guy, and of course Mr. Ribbon himself – this is just in so far as I can remember, there’s a lot more and frankly I can’t quite cope up. But through all these boys, my friend has come to develop a certain fondness to Mr. Ribbon. They talked a couple of times, hanged out once and planned to make a sequel of that date just a few days after the first one. Sounds like a dream scene right? But then, for some stroke of luck, the second date never came. I wasn’t there when it all happened, but I am pretty sure that it affected my friend quite a lot. And I think that event somehow triggered the popular phrase. He wanted to fall in love, I think he was just about to, he was ready to take a leap, no matter how hard he denies it.

Last night, I met up with another good friend of mine who earlier warned me that she needed my thoughts on something. Apparently, dear friend is falling for a guy; thank God this is good news! But then there’s a catch, the guy is a good friend of hers and she feels that he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for her. Bum-er! They enjoy talking to each other; he willingly shares his sensitive side while she listens attentively. There is some sort of a personal connection between them, something that is so rare in this day and age of advance technology. Old fashioned phone calls and long hours of sharing should be really appreciated. Feeling that the guy does not and will not have any romantic intentions for her, she feels the need to run away and move to Timbuktu. Guarding herself from falling any more for the guy. Risking the chance that what they have now, the way they enjoy each other’s company, might actually develop into something more in the future. Ok, I’m probably being too optimistic but hey, we cannot discount the fact that it can happen right?

So there they were, two equally fabulous friends on different ends. One wants to fall in love so bad while the other wants tries her best to run away from it. I wish I am God and make them switch places so that everyone will end up happy, but I’m not. I am just this simple friend who just came out of a relationship, who is just as clueless as to how we should handle love and relationships in general, but all the same, equally fabulous (Walang kokontra – blog ko to!). I am just someone who can listen to all your woes and who will give my honest to goodness take on things should you (and only if you) ask for it. I am not the type who will tell you that it’s ok because somebody is really out there for you, you just have to wait. Because who knows? I don’t. What if there really isn’t any? (Bitter Alert! Alert! Haha). Seriously, waiting is a bitch. We should realize that, life waits for no one. It happens whether we are ready or not. What I can assure you however is that through all these and to whatever may come still, I will be your friend who will never get tired of listening. Who will be there when and if you need my presence, in simplicity and in glamour. Who will hold your hand when you are scared, and who will be willing to walk beside you are we go through life, as it happens. For now and until wringkles get the best of me.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Last Time

Happiness. It is the quality or state of being happy. Good fortune, pleasure, contentment or joy.
Everybody wants to be happy. I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t want it. It is the state of being that all of us dream of. There are diverse reasons for being happy. For some, happiness may mean having a special someone; others may equate it to wealth, while some would see it as getting a new pair of fab shoes marked 50% off. Different strokes, for different folks. But in this day and age of advanced technology, speed dating and fast food, where almost everything and anything is possible and being rushed, do we really get to experience being happy and actually enjoy it?

When was the last time you felt you were really happy?

This got me thinking. Deep. Sure, I get to smile or even laugh a bit whenever I’m out with friends, but was I really really happy then? At some point, I was. Then I begin to browse through my photo albums, looking out for pictures of my recent and not-so recent vacations. Was it the time I spent in Boracay? Then there were the Baguio trips, perhaps the Subic adventure or the night outs in and out of the Metro. Surprisingly, the answer is not in one of those places. While it was indeed in one of my trips, this one is so much different. And honestly, thinking about it now, already puts a smile of my face. That’s how happy I was.

When was the last time I felt really really happy? It happened back in May, Saturday. I had just come out from work and met up with a really good friend. We were about to do another friend (who’s quite far) a favor. We were to meet her sister and hand her something. The day started a bit low, coming out from work, we were a bit tired. But then, knowing the mall-rat that I am, I remember being excited. After all, I don’t get to visit Megamall all too often. Working in Makati for quite some time now has made me bond more with Glorietta and Greenbelt. (ok, include SM and Landmark).
After accomplishing what we came to do, we made a few rounds in the mall. The usual stroll-in-the-mall that we normally do, window-shopping. Then we decided to call it a day, instead of hailing a cab or taking the train, we hopped on a bus. We find it much comfortable and cheap. So we settled in on one corner of the bus and bought 10 pesos worth of peanuts. (yung may dagdag na bawang!)
We’ve been friends for years. We know each other pretty well and have kept secrets of one another for as long as I could remember. We get to see each other often, and yet we never had this kind of conversation. I honestly didn’t remember what we were talking about then, all I can recall was laughing really hard over and over again. It was probably one of your silly antics (or maybe more). We would glance at each other and without saying a word, would laugh our hearts out. That’s how happy we were, or at least I was. I was in tears, from laughing too hard. To say that I did enjoy your company would be the understatement of the year. But then you had to go, it was your stop and I had to travel more to get to mine.
The thing is I never got to say this to you then. How I appreciated everything. It was one of those moments that I did get to enjoy to the fullest without worrying about anything. And for that I’d like to thank you. For making me laugh, for being there at that moment and most of all, for being my friend. Had I known that it will be the last, I could’ve asked you to stay on the bus and paid for the whole route so that we could spend more time laughing. Had I known, I could’ve thanked you earlier and told you exactly how I felt, right in front of you. Had I known, I could’ve done something more to show you my love and appreciation for all the things that you did. I never knew.
Things are different now. We’ve both grown and decided to go into different directions. Life has given us a more challenging phase to discover. Although time may change the way we look, luck may bring us to far, great and beautiful places, I just want you to know, nothing compares to that particular bus ride. Salamat ng marami!!!!
** And to everyone who will get to read this, feel free to answer the question, when was the last time you felt you were really happy? - share your thoughts. =)
Breaking the Breakup Rules

This is the first of the BER month, signifying that the holidays are near. This could be you birth month and celebrations are well on the way. I have nothing against your moments, I just hate September, this is the month where I am supposed to be in the third year of what could have been a journey to forever.
Ok that last sentence just sounds a bit bitter.
Post-breakup depression stage is a very lucrative market. It has become one of the recurring topics in every magazine I’ve ever read. They tell us what to do, how to move on, how to act and handle every possible situation. I’m sure you’ve read some. A good friend even got me a book, “Moving on”. Browsing through the pages, it was supposed to help me cope up, after a “failed” relationship. And surprisingly, there are actually rules to follow.
Truth is, I’ve prepped myself for this month, for that particular day, for that specific time when we used to get together and celebrate. Months ago, I’ve made plans on what I should do when this particular date comes. First, I planned to sleep all day. Then thinking it was not possible, I thought of staying up late the day before and so as to wake up really late the next day. I tore the specific date way a month ahead, so that when the time comes, I will see another number on my calendar, which somehow skipped that particular number. Yes I may be turning psycho – call a doctor, quick!
Then the unimaginable happened, a good friend called. It was her birth month and there is, in fact, a celebration happening and it will start early. How lucky can you get!
Then came “the” day. I woke up early, prepped myself up and rushed to the location. Surprisingly, I find myself excited. I arrived at the place quite earlier than I normally would. I get to hang out with the people that I don’t get to see quite a lot. There is just so much to talk about. A lot of catching up and remembering those days back in college made us laugh. I never had a good laugh for quite sometime, and having these conversations with my friends surely made my day. Everything seemed normal.
Halfway through the day, I got a message from him. It was after all THE day, he remembered.
Then, it all came to me. I remembered all my preparations and my plan. I should after all be busy dreaming, sleeping my way off to never-never-coming-back-till-tomorrow-land. Instead, there I was all smiles as I read the message. A little happy and bitter-free. I thanked him, that easy, for remembering and for somehow still being there through all this. I guess it’s true, forgetting someone who once meant the world to you is never easy.
Fact is, we (one way of another) have all witnessed a story like this. A friend, your sister, or could be you. Endings are generally hard. There’s just no easy way. We may read something that will provide us with quick fix solutions on what we should and can do to move on, a book may even give us a certain set of rules to follow, but none of these things will be able to tell us how to control our feelings. These rules are simply a diversion, something to keep us preoccupied so as not to think of what was really there. Although, these rules or tips may work for some, in my case, it didn’t. But there’s just one rule that I did agree on. Spend time with your friends. In times like this, we need someone who will try to cheer us up (keyword: Try). We need someone to hold our hands and remind us that everything will be just fine. We need someone who will not judge us, who will sit with us on a coffee shop staring blankly and not utter a word. This is clearly not the best time to be alone. Spend time with your friends, a whole lot of them.
And for that, let me take this opportunity to thank my friends, all of you who made me smile. You know who you are.
Looking back, I officially don’t hate September. But I am looking forward to October. =P

A Short Story

One Sunday evening, I was going through some old things. I was just trying to sort some things out, trying to arrange my top closet. My goal was to make things a little more organized than its present state, plain and simple, until it hit me. Ok, let me rephrase that, until something hit me, literally. I remember reaching out for something until it feel on me, the biggest and thickest photo album I’ve ever kept in this lifetime. And damn, it fell hard on me.

I was not in the mood to reminisce on anything but it seems like it presented itself to me, the odds made it very clear. Slowly, I started browsing through the pages of history. It is one history that I very well know, by heart. It was sort of fun looking at those pictures, relieving every bit of memories I’ve had in this life so far. I willingly went down memory lane, from my crazy friends in high school to my even crazier friends in college. Browsing through the well-wishes I received when I graduated in high school, to all those cute little post-it notes back in college, to the old fashioned letters. All of a sudden, there it was, in its very obvious old yellowish paper and still beer-smelly state. A letter that changed my life in ways I could never imagine. And for the nth time, I am trying to fight the urge not to breakdown and cry.

His name is Mike. An old friend – and perhaps the best person I’ve ever met in this world. And now in the spirit of freedom and forgiveness, I am taking this chance to brave myself and tell our story for the very first time.

I can still remember how it all began. I just finished high school. I was in a bar in Manila with a friend. We were doing the usual chat, wondering what college life has in store for us until you showed up, comfortably sat beside me, at the bar. And then, by some stroke of I-don’t-know-what-you-were-into, you grabbed my beer at started drinking it. I was staring at you then, as you enjoy gulping every bit of it. Shocked and Pissed. To make things worse, I remember how you almost threw up at me, the very moment I told you that beer was mine! Realizing that I was right, you began to laugh. You had this infectious laugh which somehow altered my mood that I began to laugh myself. And that’s how everything started.

Weeks past and I was back in school. A New school, a new life, new set of friends and new challenges to face. But I kept my weekends doing the old stuff. Meeting my old pals, going to that same bar, talking and comparing how different things turned out us. There, at that same bar, I sometimes see you. And when I do, I would usually protect my beer and you would politely smile. For quite sometime, you were more popularly known as the guy who stole my beer. Until at a friend’s party, somebody formally introduced us. Then we started to talk.

For quite sometime, the bar became my refuge. And sometimes, I see you there, alone. We began to hang out and got to know more of each other. I was a college freshman and you were a soon to be engineer. Fancy, I thought. Instantly, we became such good friends and we got to hang out more often. We were practically neighbors, school neighbors that is, which is why it was easy for us to hook up at anytime. It was safe to say that we do enjoy each other’s company quite a lot and soon enough, we found ourselves doing a lot of things together. From getting a haircut, to going to every mall, to watching good and bad movies, eating out, to whatever we can possibly think of. We were inseparable.

Mike taught me a lot of things in life and I’ve experienced a lot of firsts. I can vividly remember the day when you forced me to learn how to drive. It is a must, you said, so that I can drive us both home in case you get too drunk to do it. So one afternoon, I found myself driving your 2-month old Accord and can very well recall how I almost crash the damn thing into a lamp post. My heart was racing out of fear and humiliation and yet you were just laughing. “Don’t worry about the car”, you said, “what’s more important is that you are safe and we can laugh about it”. I don’t know if it was those words or the way u said, or the fact that I got away with the almost-accident, but somehow, hearing you say that, made me feel freakin good that day. But that’s just not all there is to it. If I try to put into writing everything I’ve learned from you, I might end up writing a book. It was so unusual for someone like you, who have everything this life can possibly offer to be so selfless. And for me, that’s one of Mike’s greatest lessons. The highest _expression of love is to give without expecting – see, I can still remember every word. And I’m proud to say that I have followed this mantra, one way or another.

To me, you are perfect. I always say that. But you dismiss me right away. I just thought you were simply trying to be your humble self again. I never understood why. Until one day I heard you crying on the phone. Your folks who moved to the US just got the divorce they’ve always wanted. I didn’t know what to do then. Between us, you have always been the stronger one. So seeing you actually break down for the very first time really broke my heart. Then you became distant. I guess you were trying to protect me from absorbing all the pains you might unleash. You thought I was too young for such serious stuff. Until I learned from a good friend, that you’ve developed a “habit”. I never said a word. I was never the confrontational type, besides I know you too well. I was in denial for quite some time. How could you, I thought. How could you do that to yourself? This is so not you.

I was trying to keep it all together when we accidentally bumped into each other. I can still remember how you were trying to be cheerful, trying your best to look fine. All I said was, “Dude, you can do better than that” and all of a sudden, disappointment was written all of over your face. That night after class, I was surprised to find you waiting for me at the gate. We talked. Really talked and you said, I surprised you with my wisdom and sincerity. Not knowing that it was you who actually taught me that. From that moment on, the bond between us became deeper. We’ve shared more of ourselves to each other. There were no secrets, no inhibitions, no lies, no-nonsense. We got our acts together and in no time, we were back to our normal selves. Having the same talks, clean fun, and enjoying each other’s company much deeper than what we have expected.

Soon enough, people started asking, are we together? Geez. I’m sure you remember that. It was one of those questions neither one of us could answer. We were so into each other that people started to look at us as a power couple to be envied about. At that time, I remember laughing hard the first time I heard about the “news”, surprisingly, you didn’t. Perhaps it was the beer or the bar, but somehow, I never had the idea that the two of us were together. I was too young for the “love” thing, I said, and you nodded with a fake smile saying “give it time”. Soon, you were acting differently or was it I, who started to see things differently. You were sensitive, caring, understanding, stylish, smart, funny and not to mention hot, really HOT! The kind of guy you would like to show off to your friends and the kind that most parents love. Everything seemed better, the times were sweeter, and we were spending some real quality time. You started working and I continued school, you never failed to pick me up each and every single day I told you my schedule is permitting. I never told you this, but I did appreciate the effort. You always showed up - rain or shine, sick or not, tired or freakin happy, with or without occasion. You were not afraid of making and keeping promises and that fascinated me. Seeing me became a part of your life and spending some time with you became part of mine.

I started to think that I maybe falling for you. But then again, how can I be sure. I was told that love happens when you least expect it. I asked for a sign. Just give me something concrete that he might actually uhm err possibly be in love with me too. Summer of 99. Tagaytay. It was your cousin’s wedding. The day when the sign that I so hoped for and asked could’ve was given. I was in the toilet in one of the cubicles, when I heard you come in talking to someone. The unidentified voice bravely said he never thought you were gay and asked if I was your bf. I was expecting you’d say “hell no!” but then I was hoping you’d simply say “yes!”. There was a pause, a brief laugh and then you answered. “He is not my BF! I believe we are more than that. We’re beyond the labels. Uhm, yeah. Tsaka ayaw niya akong sagutin eh”, then you started laughing. Inside the cubicle, I was in tears. It was probably one of the sweetest things I’ve heard you say about me, about us. On our way back to Manila , I wanted to tell you “the” words. Those 3 big words that meant so much. But then I was taken aback. We were having fun talking. The timing was a bit off. When I got home, you texted me, “ I……. Love…… YOUng Corn!” - Ayos ka tlga! My reply? “Cge, bili tayo next time! I.L.Y. – Ingat Lagi Ye-yeah!”

Then you had to leave. Your mom needs you to be with her in the US . You don’t know for how long, but you assured me that you’ll be back. I tried to hide my sadness by smiling often. But then, you know me too well. On your last day, you left me a note. And by far, the most creative one I ever got. A letter inserted inside an empty bottle of San Mig Light. In there you wrote your “paalalas”, how you appreciated everything, how you will miss me, how WE changed our lives, how for the first time in so many years we will have to physically be apart, and how you promised that you will be back. In your words, “babalikan kita, I promise!”. It is the very same letter that I am holding now.

Months past and we’ve managed to keep in touch. I told you IDDs can be pretty expensive but you still call anyways. Once in a while, we get to chat - online. That’s the least we can do. Life went on and in a number of occasions, I wished you were here. I partied a lot, a number of international bar franchises opened, I graduated, had my first job, and a whole lot of things. But then you knew all about these. We’ve kept our communication lines open for quite some time already. A year and a few months after, you came back. You always kept your promises. It was a short vacation and we wasted every possible time we have to be together. You want me to go there as well, but given the circumstances, me going there with you will not be feasible. Then the time came when you have to go back, and again, your promise of being back kept me going. In a matter of a month, I can still remember how excited you were to tell me about something. “I’ll be back, and this time, its goin to be for good”. The moment I heard you say that, nothing else matter anymore. I was twice as happy, twice as excited and so looking forward to having you around here for good. I waited for the day, to once again be with you. This time I do not plan to waste any time keeping anything from you, but unfortunately, that day never came.

Aneurism. A permanent cardiac or arterial dilatation usually caused by weakening of the vessel wall. No one can detect it or prevent it from happening. It’s like having a balloon that bursts out of proportion for no definite reason, simply because it wants to. “He’s no longer with us”. That’s what I was told.

I was at work when the news came. I remember trying to compose myself together. The training must’ve been really effective. I was smiling as I greeted each passenger to have a nice flight. In my mind, there was only one question left to be answered, why? I remember being sad or should I say depressed, I remember being mad – for reasons I myself don’t know. I felt so helpless. Why you? There are a million other bitches in this world who deserved to die more than you do, there are ever thousands of people who actually wanted to kill themselves – why you? Of all people.

Since then, I busied myself crying when I’m alone. I never talked to anyone about it. I stopped drinking beer. For all these years, I tried to keep everything in me, hoping that someday, one way or another, you will fulfill your promise so that I can tell you everything I’ve always wanted to say. Ang daya mo! I wanted to tell you that. You used to tell me that you’ll never gonna leave me. That you will always be there for me when I need you. That when the time comes, you’ll be a complete gentleman and let me leave earth first. I believed you. You’ve always kept your promises, but what now? Years passed, and the memory of you continues to haunt me. For years that I’ve kept things to myself, I became stronger. Tougher. But still, not as tough as you. I find myself having a lot of feelings I cannot fully express, because you were not around for me to share those with. The bond that we’ve created is so strong I don’t think anyone can and will ever come close.

Recently, I had this dream with you in it. You were standing there, smiling back at me without saying anything. I said “hello”, you nodded. I started to cry. I can vividly remember you telling me once again that everything is going to be alright. Like you always did. But this time, you stayed longer, so I listened carefully. “To move on in life, sometimes we need not only look and forgive others for the things they did not do. We must also learn to forgive ourselves for whatever it is that we did and did not do. Forgive yourself already, it is not your fault if you can’t do everything, you’re not supposed to”. I woke up with tears filling my eyes as I remember the conversation we just had. It felt so real yet I was not scared.

Now looking at your letter, I can very well keep myself together. I know, up until now, you still kept your promise. And in return, I will, in as much as I can, try to live up to the lessons you’ve taught me. Slowly, I’ve learned to forgive myself, for all the things I did and did not do. Guess what, I’ve been avoiding beer for so long, telling everyone that I am not the beer-kind. Recently, I had one. The taste and feel are definitely not the same. But the memory that goes along with it lives on. For as long as they serve beers in this world, you will never be forgotten. Your memory will be there, in every bottle. =)
Mr. DreamBoy

Have you ever find yourself wishing for a dream mate? Have you ever thought of the qualities you ever wanted your future mate to have and conceptualized on what your lives could possibly be, together. Have you, one way or another, envisioned the person you want to be with for the rest of your life? Aminin nyo na. You all did these things once in your life, perhaps more than once pa nga e.

Me and my friends used to talk about these things in the past. How we want our dream mates to be. From the way they look physically, to their jobs, to their sense of style, down to their favorite things. We’ve carefully drafted all the ideal qualities we want our future mate to have. But as we grew older and a bit wiser, things have changed. Our ideals have evolved into being more realistic and our experiences have taught us to choose better. I guess its human nature, to change and grow up. Yes, it is true what they say, our past relationships have taught us to love better, and thus the qualities we look for in a mate may and will eventually change.

So what’s my type? A friend asked, which I willingly answered. No, this story is not about what I like and not in a mate. I don’t want to bore you with that. Besides, I am not planning to discuss that in full detail in this piece, shy type ako! What’s more interesting is after sharing all those things about your ideal mate, the must-haves and the things you loathe, you finally find out that the mate of your dreams do exist in this lifetime and is actually right under your nose. It was kinda freaky at first, but then again, Yehey di ba?

I’ve known him for quite sometime now. We used to bump into each other every now and then. I used to refer to him as my “smiling-friend”, because we are fond of sending polite smiles to each other whenever we see each other, just to acknowledge each other’s presence. First impression? Cute. Eventually, we got to engage in small talks when we would see each other. Nakilala ko rin, sa wakas. Cute talaga siya, I thought, but I never acted on it. I was happy with someone then, sabi nga nila in fairness to me talaga. The more we get to talk, the more I got to know the guy. He is funny without even trying, sensible without trying to be too smart, humble but not coward and simple. Yes, that’s what really amazed me. His simplicity is so unbelievable, considering his achievements and social status. Para talagang walang mali sa taong ito. HELP!

The more I get to know him, the more I realize how close he is to my ideals. The more time we get to spend time with each other, the more he makes me believe that he is the actual manifestation of what I’ve ever hoped for in a mate. We all have our ideal guy/girl. All of us, one way or another, wished of one day finding the man/woman of our dreams but not all of us gets to actually meet the person. I feel so God damn lucky that I got to meet mine. When you meet the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to start it right away. Right here, right now. But I’m scared. Everyday, I still pretty much feel a bit freaked out. I never imagined meeting someone who is this close to being perfect, by my standards. From the job you do, to the way you treat other people, the way you spend your weekends, the way you hold your dog, and even the way you smile at me.

A friend once told me to grab the opportunity. Pursue it before it passes you by. But then there are questions, endless excuses that somehow hold me back. Does he like me? And I mean really like me. Perhaps he is just like that, he treats people with such respect and that makes me no special than others. Or maybe I am too assuming by jumping into conclusions that only I created. Things that I can never answer yet remained valid. Perhaps I am just too afraid of rejection, like most people are. I prefer to have a concrete sign on my turf before speeding up and doing the next best thing.

At this point, saying that I enjoy his company is an understatement. Whenever I get to see him, I try to make the most out of the limited time we can possibly have. I can only hope that we can actually spend some more, in the future siguro. But now, let me just embrace the moment, while it’s still there, yung kilig factor. The way you make me smile for no particular reason. The way you make me blush with your mere presence. The way you make me see that love is still possible. The way you make me believe that some dreams do actually come true.
Oral Sect

Oral Sect – this is one sector of our society composed of our good friends, whom we run to for advice, comfort, and sometimes wisdom – deep or shallow. Their contributions in our life range from getting constant love/relationship advice, sharing of life’s untold lessons and secrets, to talking about the latest trends this ever-so-changing world has at the moment. Members are not bound by gender. Men, women, straight and not, single (by chance or choice), divorced, bitter or “in a relationship”.

Psychologists say that talking and letting it all out will really help you get through some of the most difficult times in your life. I so agree, so please lower your brows and don’t start with the perhaps-he-did-not-have-a-happy-childhood-that’s-why-he-does-not-want-to-talk crap, because I did have a happy childhood! So happy I didn’t want to grow up. But how much do we really have to tell our friends things about our personal relationships? How far can we whine about the things we hate or did not quite agree with our significant other to our friends? When it comes to relationships, do you really have to tell everything to your friends?

When I was in college, I went out with this guy who‘s quite old and somehow a bit out of my league (sabi nila, go figure!). It was not something that I could say serious or anything, but at that time, it was ok. Whenever he does something wrong, I would tell my friends and we would ditch and whine about him and what he did/did not do, all at the same time. It felt good. I mean, it does feel good having someone agree with you on something right? What more if there’s more than one of them. It’s like a validation that you are so right and he is so wrong. Then after a few hours, you and your guy will talk and realize how stupid you reacted. And somehow, regret the things you said. But hey, it’s all normal, you acted on anger – you should be forgiven.

So goes your normal life. You are back in each other’s arms, pa-sway sway pa. But what happens to that discussion you had with your friends? Do we ever call a meeting and gather each and every one of them to take back what were said about the guy? Do we ever take back all those awful things which were primarily said out of anger and frustration over some silly, petty, stupid and most of the time childish things? Not so. Try NEVER. All of a sudden, Redemption is sooo last season. What happens is, we have moved on from that bad incident and yet left our friends hanging on the ugly thought. In our world, the guy is lovely, he is special and uhm yes, perfect. But to our friends, he will forever be the guy who showed up late on your date, who forgot your birthday, who didn’t have manners, who’s insensitive, uncaring and all that jazz. And it’s not their fault. It was the impression left for them to ponder on. Besides, they were just being supportive, like most friends do.

That served as one of life’s biggest lesson for me. I realized that although talking is such a good idea and helps keep your stress level down, there are just some things that you have to keep to yourself. There are certain things that you can tell your friends and there are certain things that you and you partner should keep between the two of you. Now, I don’t talk about my relationships quite often, I only do so when we break up already. Kidding. Don’t get me wrong, my relationships were never a secret. I just didn’t talk a lot about it and was not asked often, there’s a big difference. In relationships, you protect the person you’re with. That’s love. You try to do what’s best for you both.

Don’t get me wrong, not all Oral Sects are like that. That’s for sure. Right now, I can say that I am in the company of people who are mature and non-judgemental. I guess it takes a lot of maturity to be able to handle things differrently. It takes a lot of wisdom and experiences for them to be able to listen to you without judging, to support you when you’re right and tell you when you’re wrong. If you’re one of those who’ve been enlightened by this very thought and realized you are still in the company of some really bad sect, do not fret. There’s still hope. You can still do something about it. Remember that first impressions are not always the last – unless you want them to be the last. People change, they grow up, believe me, they really do.

The One

Are you one of those who believe that there is someone (and only one!) that is meant for you in this world? Are you one of those who like to sit around and wait for this particular person to arrive and make your life more meaningful than it already is? If you answered YES to both, then please stop reading. Right here, right now.

You have been warned. =)

People, in our search for love, have created this mystical thing called “the one”. According to my Lola (God, bless her soul!), there is one single person for everyone who is really meant for you to be with in this world. The one who will love you and make your life worth living. The one who will make you insanely happy for the rest of your life. The one who will stay, forever. I know, I too find it a bit cheesy. But hey I respect that, although at my age, I don’t really believe in any of this. For starters, the last time I checked, the ratio of man to woman is now at 1:3. Think about it. How can there be “one” for each female and males (lower your brows!). We are running out of male species in general. Competition is stiff! Imagine the stress for the guy, having to put up with all these - being bugged by 3 eager, annoying, desperate, and equally fabulous females. No wonder some guys would opt to find comfort in another guy’s arms. It is just less stressful and less complicated. Ok, Im kidding.

Recently, some friends urged me to finally go out and mingle. I’ve been lucky to have been able to meet a number of species – old pals, friend’s friend, friend’s cousin’s friend and so on. Some were interesting, while others – well, they remained others. And in all those cases I always get the question of whether I think he is “the one”? Ok, I know, I have a really good set of friends who’s very supportive and who I think at times feeds my ego so much. Do I think he is “the one”? Well, does he think I am “the one” as well? Because if we think that we are each other’s “the one”, then perhaps we have formed the perfect human equation and might as well be “the couple”, get “the car”, build “the house”, buy “the dog” and live happily ever after. It looks pretty easy don’t you think?

But how do you know if you’ve already found “the one”? Which one? Most would say you’ll just feel it. But then, our feelings, at times, can be very unreliable. We choose what we feel, as we choose what we eat. So how can we be certain that he is actually “the one”? Don’t ask me. I don’t know.

From what I’ve learned, there are really no signs that tell you whether the person you are seeing is “the one”! No chart to fill, no points to record, no circles to shade and no amount of Cosmo quiz can help you determine that. People fall in love, they share the good times, settle their differences and try to work things out. When all else fails – they break up. That’s just how it is. People will walk in and out of your life. That’s for sure, and if I may borrow this line, some of them you will love very much, enough for you to think that they are the one. But there’s really no definite way of knowing.

So this I say to all of you fellas, instead of wasting your time trying to figure out whether the guy/girl you are with is really “the one”, why not enjoy your dinner and the conversation that goes with it. Who knows, in the end he/she might turn out to be “the one” you are looking for, but if not, at least you get to have your slice of cake and actually eat it too.

Honesty is such a lonely word. We all know the song; perhaps you even have one in your personal music players. It’s one of those songs that somehow just do not go away. One rainy evening, in a not-so-karaoke-free place, I heard someone belt it out. And I mean really belt it out. Somehow it got me thinking, if honesty is indeed a lonely word, what could possibly be lonelier?

Last night, a good friend sent me a text message about the pebble story. Well, it was probably an old story but hey this is the first time that I get to read it. It was one of those forwarded messages that actually made sense. It talks about human’s hunger for more. The be-all and having it all. Then, in an instant, I came to this realization that if honesty is a lonely word, perhaps we can say that contentment is the lonelier word, in fact, I would say it is the loneliest word.

People in our quest for happiness would often equate it with having more. Somehow, we have a tendency to think that there’s always something better. A better job, a better partner, a better car or a better life in general. We all want more, I guess, its human nature. We dream of things and have taken steps, big ones to fulfill them. But once we come to the point of reaching the goal, we start to realize that we actually want more. Contentment, we all want it, yet once we get close, we begin to change our minds and look for something else. Bum-err!

But really, what’s wrong with wanting more? You might ask. Given the talent, resources, and capacity to do exceptionally well, is it really bad to ask for something better? I don’t think so. I would like to think of it as our way of improving ourselves. Some of us would want more to challenge ourselves and put our abilities to the test. Contentment would mean stagnation. Realizing our dreams should not stop us to still keep on dreaming, of other things. We all live in a crazy world, where the realms of possibilities are infinite, depending on how you want it.

Just like the saying “nobody’s perfect”; it does not actually say that we cannot strive for perfection. Perhaps wanting more out of life is not such a bad thing. Just as long we don’t forget or neglect the ones we already have. No matter how small or insignificant they may be. The things that really matter. The ones that make us smile for no particular reason, the ones that helped us get through those troubled times, the ones who held our hand and assured us that everything will be alright. After all dreams falter, fate has humor, even people change, and the things that will help us get through all these are the ones that do matter. Just think about it.

Chance and Choices

We paint our own destiny. That’s what most people say, or at least the one’s who seem to get everything right in their lives (or so they thought!). When you look at it, we make a lot of choices in our daily lives, be it taking a bus or a cab, what clothes to wear, or even Mcdo vs Jollibee. There seems be an endless choice to make and millions of possibilities to consider.

In the past months, I have come to experience what seemed to be the greatest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life, all at the same time. And damn, it was hard. Whoever said that having a personal life while maintaining a career is hard should really try leaving a relationship and turning down a dream job – that’s just tragic! But then, that was my choice. And at that time, with all honesty, it did feel right. (ok, this is me trying to conVINCE myself!)

A few weeks ago, I took a chance and went to a fortune teller. Uhm, I am not really a fan of cards and charms, but faced with life’s uncertainties, hey what’s there to lose right? And so one rainy afternoon, 3 good friends braved the storm and went ahead to have our future told. We were there for one reason and one reason alone, what does the future hold for us. Hehe.

15 minutes and 250 pesos poorer, I was out. It was probably the longest 15 minutes I’d have to spend in a booth with a woman alone. Haha. I asked, and asked and asked and asked some more, until I find myself running out of questions. I want to know everything. I am a planner. I want to be ready when and if that time comes. I want to know if the decisions I’ve made in the past couple of weeks did make sense. I want to know what’s out there. And I want her to give it to me! Now! (Desperately yours…)

For weeks, I’ve contemplated on the ideas that she presented. I call it “ideas” because I am not really sure if all of it were true (though I do hope that some will be true). I dragged myself into thinking that everything that’s been happening in my life has some sort of a connection to what I’ve been told. That somehow, the events will actually lead me down to that path she told me. I’ve turned into this psycho freak who all of a sudden believed in the alignment of stars and horoscopes. I religiously read every bit of it daily, and in various newspapers! And now, I am officially tired.

Today, I no longer care if those “ideas” will actually happen. Today, I don’t want to be bothered by the stars and how aligned they are with my sign. Today, I declare INDEPENDENCE DAY! Haha. This is the time of enlightenment and acceptance of things that are present including those in the past. I choose to live NOW. It’s about time for me to live in the present rather than the future, and worry about what it holds. I’ll get here soon. I’ve been worrying too much about what will happen to me years from now that I don’t get to enjoy what I already have at this moment. (Well, it is not that much, but I am kinda happy with what I have and where I am today, officially).

Perhaps at some point in our lives, we all experience this. When life puts us in a strange place, we just want to skip a beat and jump to the future. Well, Life is not like watching a DVD, where we can skip the bad scenes with the powerful “fast-forward” button. It’s a package and it just happens, good – better – not quite – to fabulous. When things don’t go our way, we just have to learn to pull ourselves up and bounce back. That’s just how it is. All yours to take.

As for me, I no longer whine about turning the job down. I have my reasons, and they were pretty valid. So I chose to stay and keep my present job. As for the relationship, uhm I didn’t take the chance. Afterall, love is not about taking chances right? It’s about feelings. Ciao!
The Trouble with Goodbye

If the problem with “hello” is “goodbye”, then the trouble with “goodbye” are questions. The “who-what-when-where-wear” kind of questions thrown at you by your eager friends, or in my case, by those who’ve read my last entry.

I’ve read some interesting ideas and thoughts about what had happened. And for that I am thankful. I am leaving it all up to your imagination and creative juices to simply fill in the gaps of what you have read. I made a vow not to talk about it at all and I plan to keep it. Things are way much simpler that way.

Perhaps some of us, at some point in our lives, just want to be quiet. We fake a smile, put up a brave front and try so hard to be the most understanding specie in the world. Just so that people won’t notice. That way, life becomes easy. It is true what they say, sometimes (if not most of the time); it is way much easier to fake a happy face than to explain to everyone why you are sad. Torture. This is what some of us are afraid of. I know I am. Because having to tell people what you’ve gone through would mean, having to remember everything. The fun, the laughter, but most of all the pain, of loving and of losing.

I may not be ready to go back and browse through all those memories again, because I haven’t totally forgotten everything. And I plan to keep some of those things with me, for as long as I live. Things that will remind me that at some point in my life, I was able to experience what some people only dreamed about. Things that have taught me so much on living and loving, that have helped me become the person that I am today. I know it is over and I have come to terms with that. But at this point, I am still in the process of transcending my emotions from what was, to what is and what has to be.

At this point, I can only be thankful! For all those times we’ve shared, for the love, the friendship, the lessons, the pain and the experiences. All good things must come to an end. Perhaps we were that good together that the universe wouldn’t allow us to get to the Big 4 and simply ended it. Let’s just leave it at that.

The Ex Factor

It’s been 2 months since I’ve officially become single, again! And now, without batting an eyelash, I can say that I have finally moved on!!

It was my longest relationship, and by far the deepest kind of love I have ever experienced and have ever given in my twenty so years of existence. This time I never held back, I have given almost everything I could and would to make it work, to make it last, to make it stay. And yet, by some stroke of luck, it didn’t. Then I was sad, in denial that it didn’t actually work and broken.

I knew it was coming, no matter how I painstakingly played by the rules. I made this realization a few years after my beau and I hooked up. Somehow, the relationship slowly dragged us into being somebody we’re not. We don’t enjoy each other’s company as much as we used to, the little time we have for each other have become some battle of the minds, the long walks became tiring, the strolling in the mall became more of an obligation than merely a date, we have become colder than our favorite halo-halo, and togertherness became more of a burden and less fun.

I don’t necessarily remember how it all happened, when, why or what actually caused it to end. Gradually, our feelings have evolved into two different directions. We have grown separately. Somehow we both agreed to end it all and that decision was one of the easiest for us both, at that time. Sure it was easy, but as days past, things start to become difficult, or should I say, painful. And no amount of antibiotics can help you ease the pain.

Two months have past, and the pain is no longer there. I can now go on with my life without expectations. I can sms whenever I want to; phone calls were only an option and not a requirement. I can walk down that familiar path without getting the chills and without fighting the urge to shed a tear or two. It is true when they say that the path to happiness is not often a path of gaining, but of removal. We need to remove something for us to be able to appreciate the better things life has to offer. The best is yet to come. And we need to free ourselves from all the unnecessary baggages we have in the past, to be able to receive this gift.

I have let go, I held on long enough. It is true that not all relationships are bound for happy endings. Like not all promises are made to be kept. Sure, some problems are really not meant to be solved; they are there for us to live up to and let nature simply take its course. Perhaps, not everybody’s story will eventually end up with “happily ever after”, some just end, not happy, but with a simple “ever after”. =)