Sunday, April 22, 2007

My Visual DNA

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Toastmaster Part 2

Today, amidst the tight busy schedule and deadlines that I have, I was able to deliver my second speech for our Toastmaster's Club! Yehey! I feel sooo freakin' happy for being able to squeeze something out of my mind and get my thoughts organized to be able to come up with a decent speech at the very last minute. Some divine intervention perhaps? Nah. Read on. I do hope you'll like it.


Speech #2 : Shopping for Inner Beauty

Beauty is skin deep. And every time I browse through the pages of Vogue, Cosmo, GQ and the likes, I couldn’t help but believe in this statement even more. As these magazines serve its main purpose to its readers, which is to promote inner beauty! Ok, I was kidding. I used to joke about this particular statement saying that those who believed in the idea that beauty is really skin deep are the ones who are aesthetically challenged. You see, in the US, $20 billion is spent annually on cosmetics, $300 million on cosmetic surgery and $33 billion more on dietary products – all aimed to help one be beautiful, or at least to achieve beauty, by their own definition. Here in the Philippines , we have all witnessed the rise of the machines! Beauty spas, derma clinics, salons galore, health clubs etc. All aimed to make your life better by simply looking better. So how can we really say that beauty is simply skin deep? But don’t get me wrong, I do believe that inner beauty is good, but looking good on the outside is not that bad either. Sometimes, it even leads you to finding that inner glow we all look for.

Recently I met two of my friends for lunch and a long conversation. Apparently, best friend A just broke up with her beau – the man she envisioned to spend the rest of her life with. And it was the duty of me, as a friend, to listen and at times talk. Armed with some words of wisdom, we tried to build her self esteem by being the crazy friends that we are. But none of those crazy antics seem to work at that time. When that act didn’t work out well, we opted to try option number 2 – SHOP. Experience tells me that there’s this thing about broken hearts that those who experience it become bolder and open into trying new things. After a quick trip to the salon, 3 good friends headed out for one mission – to shop.

And boy did we shop. We did not limit our options to the letters VNC. We Tangoed, Mangoed, Folded and Hung. And the only thing that got us to stop was when we got to the Red Lane . It was one of those things that made us forget about our worries. And look at the country as an ethereal place with no crimes at all. After 2 whole rounds at the Mall and a serious damage on our credit cards, we realized it was time to go as night falls. Left the place feeling better, and uhm yeah, looking better. Yes, Time flies soooo fast when you are having fun.

Weeks after she ended her relationship, things are different. I’ve seen her transform into this upbeat and more confident woman that she used to be – prior to the breakup. Of course, it did not happen overnight, but now I am seeing the same woman/friend, but different presentations. Somehow, that experience has made me realize something. That while beauty really comes from within, sometimes, when we just couldn’t get the feeling from within, at times when we feel troubled, bothered, unpretty, unwanted and unloved. When the going simply gets tough, left you broken and just don’t know how to put the pieces back together, it is way much easier to start by changing the way you look outside to help you achieve that inner change and find that inner beauty. It may not be the end all and be all, but then again, it is a start. It helps push you to do something and move forward. Now the question remains, where to strike balance between outer and inner beauty. Well I guess, it’s all about expression. For if style is the dress of one's thoughts, then taking the time out to look good and dress well is not a sign of superficiality - as somebody have put it. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, therefore, I behold my beauty. I hope you do too.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Site Seeing on Lenten Week

Just when everyone was busy doing their stuffs – be it reflecting for real or reflecting under the sun elsewhere, I spent the last couple of days site seeing. Well my original plan was to finish all the videos I can find on youtube, but that didn’t work out. While I did get to se some interesting things on the site, boredom got the better of me and after laughing my a** off watching Alanis’ version of My Humps, I tried to look for something better to do.

As you all know, I am a blogger myself. And the first thing that I did was to visit each of my friend’s sites who like me, loves to write. I’ve found quite a diverse universe on these sites that I bumped into. Reading through every entry, I felt like a stupid psycho having a different set of emotions depending on the current blog entry that I am reading. But mind you, surprisingly, I’ve experienced an immense growth from these thoughts that I’ve read. Some made me think, some made me think even deeper, some made me laugh while others made me wander elsewhere. Hahaha. Here are some of the things that I chanced upon – I do hope I can very well recall the exact lines.

Blogger A – Setsuna

Well, this is not actually a blog, but more of a bulletin entry. I heart this guy! He’s sooo freakin creative in answering all those love problems posted by people or is it more of a personal experience? This is such a breather from your usual Lovenotes, with a twist and an ounce (or tons) of realism in it! Same love letter stories but different answers from Setsuna the love guru herself. I mean, how would you feel if you try to confide your story to someone and then get a reply like this:

“tigilan mo yang pagrampa sa subdivision niyo at
baka bigla kang damputin ng basurero…
basura! basura! basura!”

Astig di ba? Hahaha.

Blogger B – The Hopeful Romantic

This particular blogger simply opened up. His entry was an honest testament of how he actually feels at that particular moment. Man! I wish I can be of any help. But like they always say, love is never easy. Nobody said it was. Defying the odds for something they call “everything” right? Sometimes, we all whine about not finding the right person for us. We long to find that perfect partner and hoped to find him in a perfect setting. But in most cases, that perfection doesn’t happen. In cases where we ask ourselves where the hell is he? Try to think deep, bka nman you are looking in the wrong places (in case you really are looking). Or bka nman, nag text na sa iyo, nag invite na and all, nagmamaganda ka lang at nagpa-kipot? Hahaha. Hoping that he would text back and ask you out again. Geez, hindi na uso ang Maria Clara ngayon, besides, you’re not a Maria Clara to begin with. In most cases, we tend to look far beyond what our eyes can see, ignoring the things and people that are right there in front of us, all along – waiting! Uuuyy.. By the way, it is not a bad thing to ask somebody you like, out! In the same way that not everyone who asks you out are head over heels in love with you! Love takes time and time is gold! Nyek! Anyways here’s an excerpt from one of my favorite books. The same reply I sent this romance driven fella.

"I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love."

-By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept

Blogger C – The First Time Blogger?

This is a one liner that made me laugh and nod in agreement at the same time. It was from one of my good friend whom I’ve never seem for quite sometime.

“When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him”

Damn! Sakto! How I wish I’ve read this line two years ago. My life would’ve been better siguro. Hahaha. Well, men will always be men. Plain and simple. But then, ladies or fellas, you are always in control. And boys.. boys.. boys.. Wag niyo nang hanapin sa iba yung hindi niyo makita sa GF/BF niyo. That is just mean! Hahahaha. And if I may borrow the line of Setsuna;

“tigilan mo yang pagrampa sa subdivision niyo at
baka bigla kang damputin ng basurero…
basura! basura! basura!”

Site seeing is sooooo much fun. A lot of ideas and a lot of insights. How I wish I have more time to do this. But I will definitely do this more often. If you have a blog that you would like to share, do send me a note – esp those who have other sites i.e. multiply, myspace, livejournal or blogspot. I’d love to read them and hopefully, share my thoughts as well. Thanks and Ciao!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Kind of Fool I Am

Today is Maundy Thursday. While most people opted to hit the beach for the very long weekend, I stayed home. This is how I have always celebrated “holy week”. Unlike most people, I always try to make it a point not to make any plans for this particular week. I am usually out a lot on normal days (for most of the year), so let me just say that this will be my “penitensiya” of some sort.

I feel like I have been through a lot lately. And somehow, I am soooo looking forward to this break. A break from it all, from work, from gimiks, from friends etc. Not that I am complaining, I do love being with my fellas and going out, but somehow, the loner part of me longs to have that quiet moment of solitude and invisibility. Don’t you have that feeling that you just want to be left alone and disappear? Hehe. I am weird. And today is that day. I get the chance to really be free, from anything, from anyone and simply be my old weird self.

Lately, I’ve been thinking. Of how things are with my life. One good friend recently asked me, “ano ba tlaga ang gusto mo Vince?” And this question has made me speechless for the next 5 minutes (or so..) of that conversation. The truth is, I don’t know what I exactly want. It seems like I have always been on the lookout, in a rush for things to get better that I actually don’t know what it is that I am aiming for.

For the past couple of months, I have been on a quest to find the better job. I’ve willingly sent out my applications and have gone through a number of interviews with my prospects. Some were successful while others were not. In a number of cases, I got through! Had a job offer, thought of actually leaving my present job, and was this close to signing a contract that would perhaps make me move, finally. But then, by some strange reason, something good will come up at work and I would back out. I would weigh my options and realize that I am in a better position at present - career wise and moving would be such a childish and impulsive move. Crap!

Also, in these past few months, my dating habits had become more alive than in the past. Not that I’ve turned into this promiscuous monster slash whore. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of set-up dates from my friends. Met a lot of interesting people and have made quite a number of good friends along the way. Which I actually enjoy and still enjoying (for some who kept in touch). Looking back, I couldn’t help but be thankful for having had the opportunity to have met these really gorgeous, eligible and nice people. But then again, no romantic relationships blossomed from any of those dates. Not that I got dumped from all of them (some lang.. hahaha). I actually met quite a few who’ve expressed their intention of going to the next level called couplehood. But as always, I would shy away and step back a bit.

Today, as I bask on the quietness of the season, I couldn’t help but think of those things. Those opportunities that could’ve changed my career, and eventually my life. Those guys I’ve dated that could’ve been a wonderful partner at present. Why have I bothered myself to go through the entire process of applying when I would not push through with it in the end? Why at the moment, the thought of being with someone has always made me panic? What am I being afraid of? These questions have been running through my head for so long. And I am just freakin’ happy to have let it all out in the open now. Ang hirap ha! Having these thoughts visit me daily, over and over again for the past couple of weeks now. These things have made me question myself. What am I soooo afraid of? Is it the trauma of a failed relationship in the past? Or am I just feeling a little too old and can’t handle the fact called change?

And now, as I listen to Regine belt it out, I am trying to figure out the kind of fool that I am. Perhaps, I don’t really want to be happy or content. Perhaps I like the chase, the quest, and the feeling of being lost. For if I get there and I mean really get there, everything will be pointless. Having a good career and an even better lovelife would put an end to my journey. There will be nothing left for me to look forward to.

Sure, I’d still want to find that perfect job and also that perfect man (and I don’t mean perfect in the literal sense), but somehow, at this very moment in my life, I am still having such a grand time that having these goals realized would be a spoiler. Soon, when I look back and get the time to reflect once again, I may have regrets for letting something pass me by and then, maybe then I’ll know the kind of fool I am.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Confessions of a Lost Soul

Today, I felt soooo freakin tired from everything. I couldn’t really bear the thought of what just happened yesterday. Tired and restless could be the two most appropriate words to describe me right at this very moment. But I am not complaining. I know there are reasons why certain things happen, and I may never get to understand it, may not even agree with it, but hey, sino ba naman ako? I’m just my fabulous self. (acheche..)

A lot of questions have been running in my mind. And most of them are “whys”. For the past couple of months, I have only asked for one thing pagdating sa pag-ibig. I just wished that someday, I will get to find that someone who will make me smile again, who will make me believe in love, in forever. Who will not only make me complete, but who will be more than willing to share my completeness. Plain and simple. Or so I thought.

All of us dreamed of finding that someone. All of us want to be with that special person who will make our dreams come true or whose dreams we will turn into reality. Everybody wants that. Who doesn’t? But in the process of finding that special someone, how many hearts should be spared? Ilang tao pa ba ang dapat masaktan bago natin makita yung hinahanap natin? How many dreams should be broken, before we can actually say that this is finally it!!!!! How many lives should be put to test before we can stop the pain from spreading around?

At this point, I am wishing that sana, lahat na lang ng tao may infrared device sa noo. That way, it would be easy for us to connect to those people whom we want. That way, from the very start, we wouldn’t be wasting our time trying to make things work with someone na alam nating hindi nman tlga matched sa specifications natin. How technical pero this will probably solve most (if not all) of the heart problems we humans are experiencing right now. Just imagine how many hours are spent trying to get over a breakup? How many credit cards have been maxed out by someone who’s into retail therapy? How many margaritas/tequilas/coffees we took just for us to be able to forget something, even for just a split second? This device will definitely make our life easier!!! Somebody invent this thing – puhlease!!!!! Parang awa niyo na!!!! Go!!!

Somebody once said that Love is always a thing of trial and error. Otherwise, it will be less magical. But then again, if I will cause any more pain in the future, I would rather want it to be less magical and more realistic. I know the feeling, how it is to be hurt. And I do not – in any and every possible way- want to pass that pain around. Bakit kasi hindi na lang natin mahalin yung taong nagmamahal sa atin? Para tapos na. Para wala nang mahabang usapan. So as to end the hunt. To end the waiting. To end the cycle, to end it all. With a smile on everybody’s face!!!!!!!

This entry was written out of guilt. Patawad!!!! =)
, yung taong mahal niyo ay mahal din kayo. Kahit hindi same level, basta mahal kayo – yung sigurado.


And for that, kakanta na lang ako... =)

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart

No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Being a Fool on April Fools

Today is April 1, 2007. And much as I thought that I was going to join in the tradition of pranks and silly jokes, the odds has once again conspired and has led me to do otherwise. Today, the irony of all ironies has become my friend and visitor. That instead of silly pranks and telling a lie, I opted to be honest, to myself and to someone.

Everyone knows that I’ve been single and dating. For the past couple of months, I have met so many interesting people and have been set up by some of my good friends to meet some of their friends. The process can be tiring at times, but then again, I enjoyed it. I really did (and still do!). I made friends along the way and at times, there are those who’d want to be with you for more than just being plain friends. Which to all of you single people like me, will be GREAT! After all, that is the very essence of dating – to find that special someone who will turn your life upside down, shake it all up and leave you breathless. But then again, I am different. Hahaha.

A few months ago, a friend of mine gave my number to his friend. After texting for quite sometime, we got together for a coffee and eventually dinner and so on. We hit it off quite well, I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed our conversations. And unlike the usual gay dating scene, ours was your good old clean fun, perhaps it is because we are both not kids anymore. Haha. He’s funny, sensible, really smart and cute. Everything I could’ve hoped for and dreamed about. Good catch!!!!

Being with a guy like him, would normally make me nervous. Ironically, being around him made me more relaxed. Some friends would ask me, could this be it? Could he be it, finally? To which I would answer, perhaps not. There’s no spark. There’s just no spark. I couldn’t see us together. I couldn’t picture us as a couple that we want us to be. I feel sooo stupid. I feel so dumb not to have feelings for him. He is after all close to perfect. A million gay guys would hope for someone like him! What could possibly be wrong about me???? Why can’t I want him back, the way he wants me??

Then came the day I most dreaded to happen. After all the dating, comes one big question that would eventually lead us to couplehood. I knew it was coming, I can sense the eagerness and the anticipation from his messages. I just didn’t expect it to happen today, April 1. The day when we are supposed to make fun of each other. The day when you are allowed to lie and be forgiven for doing so. I just have to be honest. Much as I would want to keep him around, I didn’t want to be unfair. To him and to myself. Still the question remains, how do you turn a good man down?? Is there an easy way to make this unbearable thing more tolerable and light?

For somebody who knows very well how it is to be hurt, I just couldn’t get myself to send the message. This is not what I wanted to happen; I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to be the bad guy. But then, I had to do it. I didn’t want to keep him when I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want him. He deserves someone, better than I am – for real. And much as I would like to use the “it’s not you, it’s me” drama, I just pulled myself together and bring him the message. Not exactly what he wanted to hear, but it’s exactly what I wanted to say. I held on to him for the wrong reasons and now, I am letting go for the right ones. Hoping that someday, in that big somewhere, we will both find what we are looking for.

Yes, I am a fool for letting him go. But then again, I’d be too selfish if I didn’t.